The New Hogwarts Haunting
by Yin Long Nocturne
Summary: Well. The newest inhabitant of the castle is a bit...


Take a breath and suspend the disbelief.

* * *

"Do you have any idea how horrible it was on being stuck on the back of that blasted Quirrell's head for the past year?"

That was Voldemort, the disembodied spirit of a Dark Lord. Harry Potter was confused, mystified, shocked. ' _This is the Dark Lord, the one everyone's so terrified of?'_ A snort.

"Just because I don't technically have a physical form doesn't mean I don't hate that constant reek of garlic, or the suffocating purple headdress he insisted on wearing." Voldemort continued ranting, "And then he wouldn't let me out! I'd intended to haunt Hogwarts - not get stuck on an imbeciles head! I wanted to scare Dumbledore, catch up with Severus, see the latest Malfoy spawn is just as hopelessly sycophantic as the last one."

"Ah, Mr Dark Lord?"

"Oh, don't tell me you're one of those bloody 'faint at the sound' people."

"Ah, no. Frankly it's a bit ridiculous." Harry muttered, the insistence of the general wizarding populace on using such titles as 'You-Know-Who' and 'The-Boy-Who-Lived' was really starting to grate. They weren't even particularly intelligent titles, and even Harry knew that there should never be so many hyphens in one place. "No I meant, actually I'm not sure."

"This would be rather surreal for you wouldn't it. Raised on boogeyman tales of the Dark Lord haven't you."

"Haven't actually, muggle raised."

"Oh, maybe you haven't been infected with magical blindness yet."

"Magical what?"

"You know that strange thing where everyone raised in the magical world seems to have forgotten they have brains.'

"Oh that thing."

"Yes. It's embarrassing isn't it. There's no innovation, just complete and total stagnation. Severus is the best of a bad lot honestly, but he's a muggle raised half blood so, really he's just further proof of my argument."

"Professor Snape?"

"Yes, got himself saddled with teaching, I rather thought he'd take my publicised demise as an opportunity to disappear into a lab somewhere." He shrugged.

"You have arms now, Mr Dark Lord." Harry noted somewhat absently.

"Hm. So I do." He stretched his hands out in front of him. "Rather nice that. What was your name again?"

"Harry Potter, Mr Dark Lord."

"Ah, Lily's child, such a shame James barged in at the wrong moment. He misinterpreted the whole thing and killed her in a fit of pique - I'm terribly sorry about that young man - your mother would have been a wonderful spark to light the Wizarding World aflame." He reached out and patted Harry's head with a mostly incorporeal hand. "They had such plans, Lily and Severus, I was quite looking forward to seeing the execution, Severus has never been the same since she died. I doubt he'll ever take it up again, although I do hope he has managed to hold on to his passion for spell creation.

"Snape created his own spells?"

"That he did, and call him Severus, he is your uncle after all."

"My uncle?"

"Yes. Didn't you know, they grew up together. Briar and Mary - your grandparents - adopted Eileen into the family after they got her to divorce that terrible husband of hers."

"Oh."

"Although I'm surprised you're not living with him, I'm quite sure they made provisions for any potential incidents."

"I live with Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon."

"Oh dear. How did that happen. I rather thought Petunia was on the verge of being cast out - what with the way she kept siding with James. You would be forgiven for thinking Petunia had been raised pureblood with her unfortunate blindness. I expected one of the grandparents to have you. They loved spoiling you rotten when James let them visit. That or Severus, but he never could believe that he was good with children, and having to teach his beloved Potions to careless first years no doubt hasn't helped."

"Oh."

"We'll have to do something about it. Can't have the grandkid in Petunia's unworthy care."

"Uh, Mr Dark Lord, it's fine really. I'm fine. You don't have to…"

"Oh, yes I suppose this is rather overwhelming isn't it. No matter, Severus will get you sorted out, I'm sure he has as vial of Liquid Clarity around if nothing else." The now almost fully opaque spectre of the Dark Lord Voldemort looked down and smiled. "Ah, I have legs, lovely."

"It _rather_ has been, thank you very much. And aren't you supposed to be dead!"

He looked back at Harry Potter, taking in trembling fingers and glazed eyes. "I'm afraid that rumours of my demise have been, ha, greatly exaggerated." He smirked. "I've been wanting to say that since I arrived at Hogwarts. But come now, let's be off. To the dungeons!"

The trek down to the dungeon corridor that held Professor Snape's office went surprisingly quietly, all things considered, there was no one about so close to curfew. And they didn't come across any of the prefects or teachers patrolling so there was no one to exclaim over Hogwarts' newest ghostly inhabitant.

"You're going to have to knock for me, Harry. I'm afraid I'm not quite solid enough to do anything but sink straight through door."

"Oh. But should we be disturbing Professor Snape at this hour?"

"Just knock, Harry, I promise I'll protect you from the big bad bat of the dungeons, okay?"

"Only if you promise."

"Pinky swear."

Harry shot the Dark Lord a bemused look, mustered up all his courage and knocked, firmly, on the door to Snape's office three times in quick succession.

"Come in."

"Well go on, open the door Harry. I'd rather not startle him by just walking in without opening the door."

"You promised, remember."

"Yes, yes, I promised Harry."

Harry took a deep breath in and pushed on the heavy oak door, the well-oiled hinges turning smoothly until there was no barrier between Harry Potter, first year Gryffindor, Severus Snape, Head of Slytherin House and the ghost of Tom Marvolo Riddle, Dark Lord.

"Mr Potter. How, delightful, to see you at this late hour, so close to curfew, in the dungeons, in the company of a ghost…" He trailed off, eyes flicking over the face rendered in translucent white.

"Hello Severus, it's been a good long while hasn't it."

* * *

I really don't know where this came from, but hey, even Dark Lord's gotta have fun sometimes. Also: twisty backstory for the win!


End file.
